Archive for December 2009

December 19th, 2009

Some Excerpts from My Recent (Strangely Unsuccessful) Stand-Up-Comedy Set

“How many times has this happened to you?: My wife and I went on a car-trip up to see her family. We take a “new route” of my choosing — you know how us men like to do! I’ll admit, I promptly miss an exit and get us horribly lost! My wife is all ‘You should pull in to a gas station and ask for directions.’ Before I could give that notion another thought, our talking GPS announced a route that put us back on the right track. It all worked out fine. We rode for the remainder of the trip in complacent silence…. [Response-seeking pause]”

“…and then once we got there I had to deal with my mother-in-law. She has never been anything but kind to me and I enjoy her company immensely. Who’s with me…?”

“A few weeks later, my wife drags me to this big-budget Hollywood tear-jerker. I swear, this thing was so cliche. I had already seen the story, like, 100 times before! Let me tell you…over the centuries, humankind has parsed the basic plotlines it will tolerate as entertainment down to no more than five. Therefore, once you’ve seen a handful of movies, every narrative you encounter thereafter should seem vaguely familiar to you. And any production that receives the backing necessary to make it to the big screen, involves one or two decent actors, and has passable set design and editing…well, it automatically deserves some amount of respect, doesn’t it?”

“So, by the end of this movie, my wife was crying yet I was unaffected. Her reaction, which was like that of many females in the theater, made perfect sense to me. You see, there are evolutionary factors at work that make her more emotionally-responsive and therefore more suited to be the main nurturing-figure in a family unit. Thus I respected her reaction and did my best to comfort her. You know what I’m-talkin’-about!”

“Have you ever noticed how cars work really well most of the time? And how making minor repairs to one is not that difficult?”

“So how many people of people of African-American descent do I have here tonight? Man, I bet your life is all like: go to work, do a job, earn an income, go home, possibly interact with friends or family, then engage in some sort of personal recreation. What I am trying to say is: deep down, I feel we are all quite similar, as people. Amiright…?”

“And what’s the deal with this airline food? The airlines have established a way of efficiently providing 500 people with hot meals that they would otherwise miss, were the plane they were riding through the stratosphere at 550 mph not populated with flight attendants and a kitchenette. That is pretty amazing if you ask me.”

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